Time for a feel trip.
I promised I would do this. To put it simply, Anna was my girlfriend of a year. But things are never simple if I’m involved somehow, as history shows.
I’ll try to keep this one short, an eulogy to my last relationship.
This was probably my most serious relationship to date; whether or not that’s a good thing, I’m still trying to figure that out. Whatever it was, clearly it didn’t work. After failing at relationships one by one, I’m getting a little tired, so when Anna came around, I thought I was going to do this right; I was going to give her everything I can, and try everything I can think of to make it work.
There is such a thing as trying too hard.
I think maybe it created too much pressure, seeing how much I’m working on this relationship. Now to reflect back on it a little bit, I can see that being a very scary thing if you’re not into it like I was. I was planning ahead too much, and as unfortunate as that is, I don’t think I know any other ways of loving someone.
When I love someone, I want do include them in everything.
I like planning things: trips, holidays, future; I probably moved too fast and delve too deep, as I have the tendency to do so. I tend to love someone without really holding back anything, as if loving someone is something that only matters to me, which is obviously false.
Often times this leaves me feeling unrequited, and I’m to blame for it.
I mean that in every sense of the English language, minus sarcasm. My relationships fail usually because I’m too fast and too furious, I build them up and break them down. I’m the issue, and I need to learn to take it easy. I need to learn to not fall head first, to learn that there’s a gradual process.
I’m sorry, to myself.
I’m sorry to you too, Anna. I can see you trying to keep up, I can see you making the efforts, and I can see you trying to take the blame in the end when you realized you couldn’t do it. But really, it’s not your fault. I still think about you from time to time; I think about what I could have done less, to relieve some of the pressure. But I can’t change the past, and you can’t change who you can or can’t fall in love with.
And that’s okay, really. We’re both going to be okay.
If you ever feel like no one loved you, or no one loves you, open up the photo-frame I gave you for Christmas, and read the words I wrote to you before we split up. To me, if it brings you even a bit of warmth in this coldness, it will be worth the effort I put into it.
I’m sorry I haven’t talked to you much, I still need more time.
Sorry, just one last time.